The Furniture of Horror

By furniture I mean furniture. The literal stuff you sit on and put things in and so forth, not the mental furniture of the horror fan. Because there's this rather sarcastic news in the Guardian...

Chances are that Halloween has always felt a little hollow to you – an imported celebration so far removed from its original intention that it now exists solely as a delivery method for Cadbury’s Ghooost Eggs and sexy Ken Bone costumes. What we need is to go back to basics and remember what Halloween is really about: opportunistic press releases from furniture companies about the safest furniture to hide behind when there’s a murderer in your house.

Yes, a list of the kind of furniture found in horror movies. Some of it impossible, or at least very difficult to hide behind on inside. Here is the 'furniture related death' table from the original press release.


It is quite logical  to put the besd at the top in terms of 'Chance of Death Rating'. We've all seen a lot of films in which Maniacs or Things appear under or indeed in the bed.

The same goes for the bath. If a beautiful young lady runs in a bath in a horror movie, going all wrinkly after staying in too long is the least of her problems.

I think it's also reasonable to conclude that the TV stand is also a no-no if you're in a Japanese horror film, or an American remake of one. Get rid of the telly, and the stand it's on, and you reduce the odds of being done in by a long-haired ghost by at least 42.6 per cent, at a rough estimate.

I have to admit I'm less clear on the door, which is now the average deranged serial killer gets into most rooms, most of the times. But what do I know? I'm no furniture expert.